military vs. family

i saw a friend today while at the bx and she asked me where my son was. i guess that kind of triggers a lot of emotions lately when people ask me that. initially, he was only supposed to be in washington with my parents for a few weeks while i attended ALS (airman leadership school) but oh how things change. i was blindsided by a shift change and now i'm at a loss as to what i'm supposed to do with atticus and daycare. i can't really afford early morning or weekend care, especially when his child support is about to plummet. so until i figure something out, atticus will be in washington... and it's killing me. i feel like i work so hard to provide for him and in doing so, it's taking away from actually being able to be with him. like, deployment sets us up great financially and i actually enjoy deploying... but i miss out on my beautiful baby boy and his everyday life adventures. i remember being in qatar last summer and when i heard that he started walking, i had to hang up the phone because i started bawling. you sacrifice a lot being in the military... you really do. and i just pray to god that he grows up and is proud of his mommy instead of resenting me for missing out on birthdays, holidays, sports... all the things that i'm supposed to be there for.

it's definitely hard. i love my son and i love my job in the military. and i am proud to be his mother and proud to wear my uniform everyday. so, how do you find the balance? how do you give both everything you have?

dear diary,

this is how you start the blog out, right? i haven't decided how to make this blog. if it's just pictures and etc then i may as well never use this and continue to be a facebook whore. so maybe i will use this as more of a journal. and less of a status update with pictures galore.